The Stanley Cup Playoffs begin Wednesday, and while it is considered an incontrovertible truth that the Cup is a better entertainment than the NBA Playoffs, it is also its own hot mess in uniquely weird ways, starting with this. Put simply, Bob Cole cannot retire yet, and to put this in perspective for the rest of you, hockey play-by-play is to Mike Emrick (who is gold) as Mike Emrick is to Bob Cole, and with so many broadcasters who revere him, one of them could show the gumption to make him work longer. He is clearly retiring too soon at age 85, but Chris Chelios played until he was 82, so surely Cole has more words in him. Maybe he could work from home, even with a couple of pops in him after dinner. I would absolutely stream him doing Canucks-Senators with half a load on. Which bri…

Some people are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here. Your team: Seattle Seahawks. Your 2015 record: 10-6, featuring a 31-24 divisional round loss at Carolina that marks the end of this team’s ability to make Super Bowls. Enjoy those two years of glory, Seattle. That was as good as it’s gonna get. After this there’s nothing but a long, slow regression back into terminal mediocrity. Frankly, you never even should have had the chance to spot the Panthers a 31-0 lead in January because Blair missed that goddamn kick. YOU SHITBAGS. God, I hate this team. They’re touched by Satan. Your co…

Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the 2013 NFL previews so far right here. Your team: Kansas City Chiefs Your 2012 record: 2-14. I feel like that 2-14 needs a little typographical dagger symbol added to it (like so: 2-14†), with a footnote that explains that one of the team's starting linebackers killed his girlfriend and then shot himself to death in front of the team's general manager and head coach. I feel like that would both explain the 2-14 and let you know that, even among 2-14 seasons, this one was particularly difficult. Here is a reminder of the suicide from the Kansas City Star: Crennel raised both hi…

Stomach of the week: Unemployed actor had frankfurter, french fries, alcohol, and sperm. Hell of a last supper, don't you think? If you don't realize that actually IS Lana Turner, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how. • American Apparel
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data-mm-id=”_2zqpxc8qe”>The two top seeds in the NFC will meet to decide who will advance to Super Bowl LIV, as the San Francisco 49ers host the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship Game. The Packers are also out to avenge their 37-8 loss to San Francisco in Week 12.Can the 49ers shut down Aaron Rodgers again?Yes, the Packers finished 13-3, but it was a weird 13-3. They finished with a first-round bye, but weren't truly exceptional in any category – 15th in points scored, ninth in points allowed, and 18th in both yards gained and allowed. The 49ers' 37-8 victory in Week 12 exposed the true flaws of Matt LaFleur's team, particularly in the passing game. Against the 49ers, Aaron Rodgers passed for only 104 yards, and all nine passes he attempted of over 10 yards fell …

data-mm-id=”_ivbavyo4m”>Rex Ryan's current job is to go on television and use his unique personality to create entertainment. And he's quite good at it because the scales are tipped in favor of those who don't have much of a filter between brain and mouth. Creating buzz, though, means courting controversy or, at the very least, ruffling some feathers. Fresh off calling Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Amari Cooper a "turd" and then apologizing for it, Ryan got sucked into the stinky argument that is Tom Brady or Bill Belichick on Wednesday's First Take. The former Jets coach, siding with the greatest quarterback of all time, used the opportunity to throw one of his former players under the bus. “Let’s give him somebody else, let’s give him Geno Smith, le…

data-mm-id=”_lqggpa5yl”>Joe Kelly sparked the first benches-clearing … uh … social-distanced brawl of this new, strange MLB season Tuesday night when he threw a pitch behind Alex Bregman's head and had some choice words for Carlos Correa after striking him out. What I'm sure was a cordial discussion took place on the field afterwards as everyone donned their masks and tried to stay away from each other while cussing out the opposing team. It was all rather amusing, to be honest. But the Los Angeles Dodgers are not laughing today as MLB handed down suspensions for the spat. They'll lose Kelly for eight games and manager Dave Roberts for one. #Dodgers P Joe Kelly suspended 8 games for his actions Tuesday night vs the Astros in Houston. #MLB #WBZ @wbz pic.twitter.com/Ih…

data-mm-id=”_0cbvltrbv”>Here's the situation: Jars of Clay, the 90s Christian Rock, one-hit wonder, has a version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer set to the tune of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit. It is not new. They've been playing it since the Clinton administration. It is awesome. Somehow the band released an entire Christmas album in 2007 and did not include their version of Rudolph. This is a crime. This version of Rudolph should be on the radio every holiday season. It should be Mariah Carey and Jars of Clay and then everything else. Why am I telling you this now? Well, because it is brand new information to me. How did I learn about this? Jars of Clay formed at Greenville University. Over the last week, Greenville, a Division III basketball program, has playe…

data-mm-id=”_dkksexs02″>An coach and a referee got into a fight at some kind of organized high school age basketball game on Saturday. It's a wild scene that was all caught on video by a parent. It looks like it starts when the coach shoves or punches the referee, who then squares up, correctly assuming the coach is going to want to continue fight. The coach throws a leg kick and then they start taking swings. The coach shoves a female official away multiple times before the fight is broken up and the referee is convinced he should leave. Inexplicably, it appears the coach is staying as the video ends.This appears to be new, but there are many previous incidents of youth coaches having physical altercations with officials. That's both extremely sad and completely unsurprising…